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Trust Only In You

I am 24 years old.  I thought my whole life would be so different at this age. I'm working on it. I started using marijuana when i was 14/15. I should say my dad died when i was 10, and i think from an early age it's safe to say i was disappointed in the outcome of a life, of life. I was blindsided by the death of this wonderful man, i tried my best to let it go, and tried not to think about it.

The marijuana immediately got me in trouble and i was put on probation. This is when i started drinking and taking robotussin. I think my drug abuse was still relatively innocent. I didn't LOVE getting high, i just really liked it; it wasn't ALL i thought about, it was just a temporary escape from the ill fitting reality i lived in. By the time i was 20 i was a raging alcoholic, but i started taking painkillers and xanax and muscle relaxers. My first time abusing prescription pills was at the hands of one of my best friend's parents. I had already lost friends to heroin, and i don't mean they died, i mean they completely changed. I had vowed never to do oxycontin, but i was now taking weaker precription pills. I remember the first time her dad crushed up an oxy in front of me and was offering me half, i thought this very generous, and he promised me it was exactly the same as the vicodin i was taking. I obliged. I subsequently fell in love- when i was high it was like walking with a constant embrace- the warmth. Eventually i met a guy who shared my love and we spent a year taking about 100mg of Roxy, blues. I always thought it ironic they were nicknamed "blues" because of their color: when i wasn't high and i wanted blues, i had the blues. I tried to quit once, i depended heavily on the suboxone, and ended up taking nearly a full bar of xanax a day, the only way i could get through the resulting depression of not having the opiate. I relapsed, fell straight back into my old ways, except I had lost the love that inspired me to quit to begin with, so my relapse was violent and foolish. Ingesting everything i could get my hands on as soon as i got it. My theory: "drugs are meant to be done". I got arrested, my first time as an adult, my first time in cuffs. I "quit" the drugs again - i needed to be clean. My mom was disappointed, and i felt for her, i know she didn't deserve this. Dependent on the suboxone, started drinking, took some uppers, convinced myself as long as i wasn't taking an opiate it wasn't really a relapse. I was seeing a doctor, things were going pretty well on paper, to the visible eye. I relapsed taking vicodin. Within the next 6 months, I was doing heroin. Now, I'm a heroin addict, some of my closest friends don't like me using the term, but it's the truth. I am a drug addict. It's upsetting, and I'm trying to make changes - I'm just not sure where to start. 

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Categories: Alcohol, Heroin, Loss, Marijuana, Other Drugs, Oxy, Roxy, Suboxone, Prescription Drugs

Comments3

March 05, 2013 | Brian Leffler

It took me forever to admit I was an addict. Unfortunately that was the hand we were dealt. I am at one year clean a single father of 2. Dealing with an opiate addict for a baby mama.  Regardless of the problems I face each day now they are still better than what they were. If you ever need to talk I am here. 757-793-7389

March 04, 2013 | monica

What is remarkable about you is that you see a lot very clearly about your situation - and that you have been fighting to get free for a long time. The comment I want to make is, you have tried hard, but freeing yourself of these addictions and learning new coping skills is something you can’t do alone. First talk to your mother, she surely has your happiness at heart and can help you find the help you need, and help you get the family support you will need too; forget “disappointed” this will give her hope…. Second, use leads to find a good rehab and if you can join AA to reinforce your resolve and help you feel less alone with this struggle.

March 04, 2013 | Jane

Hi,
A good place to start looking for help, would be to call 1-855-378-4373. The call is free, and the discussion is confidential.
Wishing you strength and luck in kicking this addiction!

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