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Refined party girl

Refined party girl

  I was once a notorious party girl.  I can remember being miss normal monday thru friday afternoon and then by friday night I had about $2000 worth of coke ready to party.  But it didn't end there that was only friday night...by sunday afternoon I would still be going, not having slept since I woke up friday morning.  I must have blown $5000 easy every weekend...and if you asked me back then if I would ever go to rehab, I would have looked at you like you had 2 heads and say " I would never go to rehab you're just jealous that I can make everyday a friday"

  The party life got old quick, the more I did coke the more I needed to feel high.  Then just a weekend party turned into an every day party.  I started gettiing more and more paranoid and nervous.  Then one night I spent $400 it last 2 hours and I sat in my closet freaking out.  It finally hit me like damn I just spent $400 to just sit in a dark closet on the floor totally freaked out, I needed rehab.

   So here I am today completely clean and in college getting my master's in psychology in substance abuse.  I remember signing up for college and going over the financial aide and freaking out about how much one credit cost then realizing wow I spent more money on drugs to do nothing with than I will for an education.. .pretty sad right! Even after all these years my demons visit me every once in a while but then I talk myself down.  I take my worst moment of my addiction and I relive it over and over until the demon vanishes and the urge fades.  In rehab we got this handout and It freaked me out so much I hung it up and I still read it from time to time maybe it could make a difference for you too.

Dear Friend,
I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally physically spiritually and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me; I'm even in your dreams.

I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out. I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckly when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.

It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.

The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for-you gave them up for me. And what's more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I am more than grateful.

And especially your loved ones, your family, and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitiude I have for the loayalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul. FOR I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.
Faithfully yours,
Your addiction and drug of choice

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Categories: Cocaine, Recovery

Comments1

November 30, 2012 | Jane

Wow. The handout content was so scary and so good. Thank you for sharing!

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