My road to recovery..
Well, here I go. First off I'd like to say Thank you, for so many of you who have shared your stories. Reading a couple reassured me that I am ready to openly come out and share my journey. It's just the beginning for me seeing that I am nineteen and slowly learning how to love myself again and to find my place in this world. My name is Aysia. I am from Hawai'i. I was definitely raising hell in paradise to be honest. Many people know me for my outgoing and free spirited personality, and for my drive for life. I guess that's why I'm I fell into my addiction. So i am a alcoholic. I started drinking at eighteen, after I graduated from high school. I didn't party or hang out with the wrong crowed, I had a boyfriend all through high school & he was my "everything". I cut ties with all my girl friends, so naturally I really only had him and my family. At the time I didn't care because I was codependent on him. His happiness was MY happiness. When our relationship took a turn for the worst and we had gotten to the end of the road with no way to fix our trust issues all we could do was go our separate ways & hold onto hope that one day we would find our way back to each other..
Not long after the break up I found myself spiraling into a deep depression. I had no confidence or motivation. I slept all the time and didn't talk to anyone. Remember, have no friends because I completely dropped out of their lives. Why should they care when I wasn't anywhere to be found when they needed me?
I was desperately seeking friends and to be loved. I found a group of guys who took me in and we drank and drank till the sun came up and even then we would continue drinking by taking drugs to wake us up. Days on end we would binge on anything we could get our hands on.
I won't go into too much detail on how my lifestyle used to be but just picture a teenage girl in Hawaii, living life with not a care in the world, no job because she had her parents to live off. Everyone knew me as that "crazy party chick", I had people hitting me up just to get me drunk and entertain them.
I thought I found people that loved me for ME. People who enjoyed ME. People who knew ME. I was excepted and wanted for the first time in a long time.
I went on a wild run for about a year and a half.
Until my luck ran out. When karma caught up to me. I got the wake up call that should of killed me. I will never forget it because I'm so thankful for it. June 17, 2012. 10:48 pm I was driving home with my younger brother sitting in my passenger seat & my friend sitting in the back seat. I was the drunk east I'd ever been. I drove with two people in my car as I went 60 mph on a dark and infamously known car crash road. I was told I was texting while I whipped a turn. Cleaning out a side rail causing my car to go airborne. We rolled 4x until we hit a tree and landed upside down. I was stuck upside down and forced my way out of my side window. My adreninlne kicked in and I crawled to my passenger side to see with my brother & friend were okay. By the grace of God they were fine. Nothing but scratches and some pain.
I don't Ever explain to anyone what happened that night. That isn't even the full story. It's a touchy subject because I'm so embarrassed. I never thought I would do something so careless and reckless with other people's lives in my hands.
After I got out of the hospital I went into a severe depression. I felt extremely worthless and I constantly wished I had died that night. I felt like a failure. I woke up one morning and got on the Internet looking for rehabs. I didn't even know what I was looking for exactly, At first i just wanted to disappear and hope rehab would help.
I packed my bags & left the next day to California. The scariest thing I had ever done. I never thought I'd ever put my pride aside and ask for help. But asking for help doesn't make you weak, in actuality that's the first step to recovery. It took me till the last week of rehab to make a break through and open up. I finally broke and cried for the first time since I could remember. It felt horrible.. I hated it! I couldn't stop, I didn't even know why I was crying. I cried and cried. Afterwards I felt like a new person. I planned on only going to rehab and returning to Hawaii when I was done, but I realized I couldn't go back. I knew in my heart I wouldn't last. I wanted more. I needed to prove to myself and everyone I hurt that I could change.
I moved into a sober living and went into IOP. The world became a beautiful place. Life had meaning. I woke up each morning hungry for life. I felt loved by people who supported me and actually stood by me through it all. I'm taking it day by day and staying positive. Not letting anything or anyone jeprodize my sobriety. I'm nineteen and I have a book full of things I want to do with my life. I'm doing them all! I won't waste anymore time.
Be thankful. Be you. You're special and worth it. Fight for your life back. You are capable of doing it. Don't let a day go by doubting yourself. There is people out there that are willing to help you do it!
Life becomes so fulfilling and joyful when you let it. Don't cloud your head with nonsense. Love hard, take chances, say what you are thinking, be amazing because you are
God has given me a second chance at life. He has saved me and I will not let that gift go to waste.
May you find eternal happiness in your journey, as I have found in mines.