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My Recovery

I lost my Daughter to SIDS in 1996 @ that point I went into a deep depression and started taking pills to numb the pain and drinking. A couple years went by and it wasn't a huge problem yet , or so I told myself. In 2003 I left my 10 year marriage. It was inevitable considering 98% of couples divorce after a death of their child. So I leave my husband with my other 2 kids and I started using meth with a friend. I learned @ that point that it made you really numb and didn't make me feel any pain  nor did I care about anyone, not even my children. I would be up sometimes 5 days at a time feeling people were after me and take xanex to come down for a day and get high all over again. I was a wreck and didn't see the pain I was causing my two living children or anyone else. I would miss holidays with them- getting high - birthdays and so on.

About 2 years into this I was high on meth, coke, and drinking and was driving. I had stolen my husband's truck and was trying to return it. All of the sudden a stopped car on a highway was in front of me and I had to slam on the brakes to find it was an accident. I got out to help and saw one guy dead wrapped up in the hood of a pick up truck, the other was alive with a bone sticking out of his jeans from his leg being broken. So I helped him out of the truck - it was on fire. In the distance I hear a lady screaming. It's really dark out and I'm the only one there so I follow her screams for help to find her body twisted in oppisite directions her arm laying 100ft from her and she's still alive. At this point I hear another lady yell "im a nurse" and she helps the lady. The man I helped out of the truck died because I moved him. The lady screaming lived. She caused the accident- she was high an drunk driving up the wrong way on a 4 lane highway. This to me was God's way of saying "Angela, you better wake up". So I called my mother to ask for help. I went home an was drugfree this time for 1 year.

While I was high I was with the love of my life, my soul mate. He stood by me, tried everything to get me sober. So in the year I'm sober we find out he has cancer and go thru chemo treatments and he goes in remission and we break up after because he says he doesnt love me anymore. So I meet this guy and we are drinking- he has coke and asks me if I want it. I say no at first and then with more hurt I go ahead and do "just one line", I tell myself. One turns into every weekend at first, then it turns into a daily habit with a daily pill habit. I would snort coke, take xanex, morphine, oxycondone, muscle relaxers, loratabs, methadone, roxys anything that would make me high or anything in my mother's medicine cabinets. I stole them.

This went on for a long time. My family finally turned their back on me- I lost my love, my job, and didn't care so I went to stay with a very close aunt thats like my mother. Only person besides my best friend that didn't turn their back on me no matter what. My aunt had same addictions and a lot of pills so I was in business. One night me and my aunt are partying snorting morphine and she od's. Luckily I bring her out of it and it scares me so bad that I ask her to let's stop. She agrees and I end up trying to get off the drugs again with my mother's help. I called her crying begging to get me help she agrees I go home and I don't get off the drugs. Im doing them secretly. A month goes by and I get a call from the hospital where my aunt lives and Im over her medical. They call to tell me she's dead. She was 42 but she's dead of an over dose- I lose it!!! I try to kill myself with an over dose also and I end up in the nut house. When I get out I decided after having to look at my aunt who has always been in my life and we share the closest bond of anyone ive ever loved besides my children and shes gone, this makes me throw down all the drugs I was using cold turkey. No rehab nothing. 

It took months to finally kick cravings but I did it and I have been clean and drugfree now- in June will be 4 years! I have a very close relationship with my kids and my family now in the last 2 years have taken me back in. You always hear of people dying and so on but you always think it won't happen to me. Well, I'm here to say it can, and if you keep using it will. I have hurt so many people and I have to live with the one that hurts the most- the years I lost -and the hurt I cause my children. I beat myself up to this day over them. They didn't deserve it - none of them did. I am thankful my kids still love me and I try to make up everyday for what we have lost.

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Categories: Alcohol, Cocaine, Family, Mother, Wife, Loss, Overdose, Methamphetamine, Other Drugs, Methadone, Morphine, Oxy, Roxy, Prescription Drugs, Recovery


January 19, 2013 | Mary

You have to forgive yourself! its so hard I know! I have 9 years sober and done many bad things to the ones I love! They forgave me but the pain was still there for me because everyone acting like everything was ok but I still felt so much shame until I finaly was able to forgive myself!  There was a boulder off my shoulders gone once I did and I felt so free and truly loved. Cause when you cant forgive yourself, you can not love yourself cause you are constantly condemning yourself with the memories of all the bad you have done. And you cant truly accept love from others cause you dont feel yoy deserve it! I went through all of that! Forgiveness is a gift you are given for freedom!  I wish you all the best! You are truly a survivor and lucky to be alive!

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