I was a puppet on strings and the Drugs were the Puppet Master
My addiction started when I was 15 with alcohol. Hanging out with friends and drinking seemed innocent enough until I was 17 and got raped- then for me the downward spiral started. When I was 18 the true nightmare began and I was introduced to ecstasy and all the demons that go with it. This drug opened up a world to me I never knew existed full of sex, drugs, and lies. And I wish now I never knew it existed!! I tried stripping for a while but was not enough money for me. So then I started working in spa's and became deeper into the drug world and was snorting and smoking cocaine daily and drinking. I had to be high to deal with my customers. When I was not working in spa I was clubbing constantly and still always high! My family was a mere memory in my mind even though they were just a mile down the street. I was just a little girl lost looking for love but every guy I met was just after sex and who could blame them- cause at the time that's all I had to give. I could not give them my heart cause it belonged to the drugs and all I had to give them was my body. I was doing all kinds of speed every day and GHB. In this time I quit the spa and moved on to escorting. When I was 19 I found out I was pregnant and quit drugs and had my beautiful baby 7 months later. I stayed clean until my daughter was about 1 and then I ran into someone I knew from before I was pregnant and the demons of old were back in my life and i went straight to shooting up cocaine and escorting again. I completely engulfed myself in the drugs and the sex and made it a point to never be sober cause when I was sober I would hurt so bad in my heart from leaving my baby with my mom so i could go and do drugs. I ended up going from cocaine to meth cause meth was cheaper and the new group of friends I hung out with were doing this drug. I never had a mind of my own and was always following the crowd. I remember one day I desperately wanted to quit drugs so bad but could not see a way out. So I called around to some rehabs and no one would help me cause I had no insurance or money. I even called the mental health center and they were the same. So in my mind I was like if no one is willing o help me then why quit. So I was shooting up meth constantly and completely gave up on any kind of life free of drugs. I began walking down the street prostituting for money for drugs. Not caring what happened to me cause, like I said, i had given up and I'm now like a puppet on strings and the drugs are the puppet master!
All of this was going on almost nine years ago! I have been drug free for almost nine years!!! I didn't go to any drug rehab or any counseling to become clean! I became clean after 10 years of addictions of all types by many people praying for me and by my Jesus who guided me back into the light out of the darkness! I have slipped a few times and went out clubbing in the nine years of sobriety from drugs but I never have touched a drug again! I would love to say it was easy but becoming and staying clean was the hardest thing I have ever done! The drugs may be gone but the battle of the mind and dealing with all the woundings the life I lived had made was difficult! But every day was easier than the day before and before I knew it a year had passed then another and another! I'm not perfect and still have days I wonder how I will make it through but I am alive and free and have two beautiful children who look up to me and need me to be strong and courageous for them and I am!
I know what it is like to be so out of control and not know where you stop and the drugs began. You forgot who you really are because you have been so many different people and hustling all the time. Let me just say there is Hope and you can break free from the addictions that have bound you for so long! I did! You have a life outside of drugs and you are somebody who is loved and you do count and are not just some statistic in the world. Just grab tight to whatever support system you have and don't let go! And you will wake up one day five years later and still be free and be living a life you never thought possible free of addiction and full of love!!