I WAS A CHILD OF “RAGE!”
I am a grateful recovering addict and alcoholic! Looking back on my life I realized I was angry! Angry at everyone around me including myself. I was an attention seeker! Mostly negative attention. I was raped and molested by my cousin for years and once I was old enough to really know it was wrong, I became more angry and all I wanted was a FATHER to go to and hold and protect me, but he was no where to be found.
Over the years of active addiction starting at the young age of 13, I was in behavioral institutes, rehab, runaway homes, etc. At 17, I gave birth to twin girls. They were eventually taken away from me at 8 months old because I was homeless. My step dad would not allow me to move back home so I had no choice to give my babies away to their dad who also was using. I was seen by multiple psychiatrists and heavily medicated w antipsychotic meds, anti depressants, and benzodiazepines. Which I abused all including street drugs and alcohol on top of it...
I then I had my son 9 years later, then my daughter 5 years after that who was born addicted. In the beginning of my pregnancy I had to detox at home off of suboxone and klonopin. I COULD NOT find a detox that would take me because I was pregnant. The pain was so great that I ended up overdosing on 60 zoo lofts and 100 Tylenol pm. Somehow I made it through, and so did my daughter. Within a few months I started dabbling with opiates while pregnant. When I went into labor my urine came back positive for drugs. I had dyfs involvement and had to go to treatment again.
My husband at the time was my supervisor while I was with my children when I was home. I stayed clean for 1 year and thought I could have a beer. That then led to drug use once again and when my daughter was 1 I found myself in a detox. While I was away I told my husband at the time to get rid of my meds because I was ready to be med free and drug and alcohol free. I felt great. I came home from rehab and started spring cleaning and in his closet staring at me, we're all my meds. I found myself angry once again! Enough to the point that I left the marriage. Because of my violent drug history, the judge granted my now ex husband custody of our children. I felt alone and heartbroken because I was clean, but I used this ALONE TIME, to get my life together.
And 3 years later, today I sit here with my newborn son, and all of my children, as well as my family by my side. I am grateful for what I went through because today my purpose in life is to help people who suffer from this awful disease called addiction. I'm here to help others, not judge them. I love my life today and I'm a walking miracle that shows others that recovery is possible.... God bless!