Anyone can change, even me
My drug use started directly after highschool, in fact, a week after I graduated. First starting with marijuana. It was my "release." It went from once a month, to 5-6 times a day. Along with that came cocaine, and the beginning of my downward spiral. I didn't work, so stealing, pawning, decieving became my means of paying for my habit. I was using daily, staying up 18-20 hours, then almost poisoning myself with sleeping meds just to get enough sleep to do it all again the next day. This went on for about 9 months, until I was starting to realize what the stealing was doing to my family. I became homeless, friendless, and alone. Looking for any answer, I decided to join the Navy. Called my mother, told her I was getting clean and shipping off to bootcamp. They allowed me to come back home, and for the next 4 months, the marijuana smoking and occasional cocaine use continued. I graduated bootcamp, clean for 3 months, cold turkey. I couldn't have been more proud, and the glowing look on my parents faces made it all the better.
Now that i'm on my own again, living out of state, I start to miss smoking marijuana, so when I went on leave, there I was, smoking again. Risking losing the very thing that I thought saved my life, the Navy. Months and months went by, and I had started having difficulty with my bladder and kidneys. Eventually I was diagnosed with Intersistial Cystitis, aka painful bladder syndrom and chronic kidney infections. I went through several surgeries, and for the first time tried the love of my life, pain pills. Percocet, Oxys, Hydrocone, Opanas, Dialadid. Oh the rush. For once I felt whole, and was ready to take on the world. Nothing was stopping me.... Except when I ran out. So back the doctor to get more and more. I was finally medically discharged for my condition since there is no cure for it, so I went back to my hometown, and knew what was waiting. My old using friends, and any pain pill I wanted was easily available. Four years later at the age of 23, here I was, broke, living with my parents, and dope sick. For those of you who don't know what dope sickness feels like, thank god. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Mental AND physical agony. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't handle the sickness. After months of using all the emergency rooms atleast 5x, and ruining my welcome with almost every doctor in town, I broke down and told my mother. She thought locking me in the house and keeping me from the pills would help me stop. Lord was she wrong. For 2 days I tried it, and this house turned into complete insanity. I was screaming, out of control, and enraged to the point where I was ready to take my own life. I ran out of the house, and walked to the bridge a few blocks up and just looked down. Comtemplating jumping. Replaying the years of drug use in my head, and the pain I had inflicted onto myself and others, and having no idea how I had let myself get to this point. "It won't happen to me, i'll never be a junkie, I got this under control" I used to tell myself. But it did, and it can happen to anyone and everyone. So I told myself I needed to get high one last time and then it would make it easier to leave my family and my love behind, who had all tried to help me. I broke into my dad's garage, and stole 100$ worth of change. What had I become? A lowlife theif who will steal from anyone at anytime. I didn't reconize myself when I looked in the mirror when I wasn't high. I didn't know that person, and longed for the life I had before drugs took over. I finally decided. This is it, I'm getting help.
I entered rehab that night, and have since been clear. For a year now next week actually. I was at the lowest point of my life, of no return. (That's how I thought atleast) But here I am, clean and sober, working, going back to school, living on my own. Ready to take on anything. I think that's how you feel after getting clean. If you can get through drugs and addiction, and come out alive, everything else is a breeze. Drugs can destroy you.... if you let them. I believe that if you have the will to get clean, you can do it. If I can do it, anybody can. Living life sober is completely amazing and I am so thankful that I made the decision to get help. Looking back, I can't believe I would ever let something as little as a pill control my every waking move. Some days, I struggle, but I have the reminder of the horrific days I have under my belt, and know that where I am at now is better than I have ever been. Live, love, and laugh... Sober.