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Anyone can change, even me

My drug use started directly after highschool, in fact, a week after I graduated.  First starting with marijuana.  It was my "release."  It went from once a month, to 5-6 times a day.  Along with that came cocaine, and the beginning of my downward spiral. I didn't work, so stealing, pawning, decieving became my means of paying for my habit.  I was using daily, staying up 18-20 hours, then almost poisoning myself with sleeping meds just to get enough sleep to do it all again the next day.  This went on for about 9 months, until I was starting to realize what the stealing was doing to my family.  I became homeless, friendless, and alone.  Looking for any answer, I decided to join the Navy.  Called my mother, told her I was getting clean and shipping off to bootcamp.  They allowed me to come back home, and for the next 4 months, the marijuana smoking and occasional cocaine use continued.  I graduated bootcamp, clean for 3 months, cold turkey. I couldn't have been more proud, and the glowing look on my parents faces made it all the better. 

Now that i'm on my own again, living out of state,  I start to miss smoking marijuana, so when I went on leave, there I was, smoking again.  Risking losing the very thing that I thought saved my life, the Navy.  Months and months went by, and I had started having difficulty with my bladder and kidneys.  Eventually I was diagnosed with Intersistial Cystitis, aka painful bladder syndrom and chronic kidney infections.  I went through several surgeries, and for the first time tried the love of my life, pain pills.  Percocet, Oxys, Hydrocone, Opanas, Dialadid.  Oh the rush.  For once I felt whole, and was ready to take on the world.  Nothing was stopping me.... Except when I ran out.  So back the doctor to get more and more.   I was finally medically discharged for my condition since there is no cure for it,  so I went back to my hometown, and knew what was waiting.  My old using friends, and any pain pill I wanted was easily available.  Four years later at the age of 23,  here I was, broke, living with my parents, and dope sick.  For those of you who don't know what dope sickness feels like, thank god.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  Mental AND physical agony.  I wanted to stop, but I couldn't handle the sickness.  After months of using all the emergency rooms atleast 5x, and ruining my welcome with almost every doctor in town, I broke down and told my mother.  She thought locking me in the house and keeping me from the pills would help me stop.  Lord was she wrong.  For 2 days I tried it, and this house turned into complete insanity.  I was screaming, out of control, and enraged to the point where I was ready to take my own life. I ran out of the house, and walked to the bridge a few blocks up and just looked down.  Comtemplating jumping.  Replaying the years of drug use in my head, and the pain I had inflicted onto myself and others,  and having no idea how I had let myself get to this point.  "It won't happen to me, i'll never be a junkie, I got this under control" I used to tell myself.  But it did, and it can happen to anyone and everyone.  So I told myself I needed to get high one last time and then it would make it easier to leave my family and my love behind, who had all tried to help me.  I broke into my dad's garage, and stole 100$ worth of change.  What had I become?  A lowlife theif who will steal from anyone at anytime.  I didn't reconize myself when I looked in the mirror when I wasn't high.  I didn't know that person, and  longed for the life I had before drugs took over.  I finally decided.  This is it, I'm getting help. 

I entered rehab that night, and have since been clear.  For a year now next week actually.  I was at the lowest point of my life, of no return.  (That's how I thought atleast)  But here I am, clean and sober, working, going back to school,  living on my own.  Ready to take on anything.  I think that's how you feel after getting clean.  If you can get through drugs and addiction, and come out alive, everything else is a breeze.  Drugs can destroy you.... if you let them.  I believe that if you have the will to get clean, you can do it.  If I can do it, anybody can.  Living life sober is completely amazing and I am so thankful that I made the decision to get help.  Looking back, I can't believe I would ever let something as little as a pill control my every waking move.  Some days, I struggle, but I have the reminder of the horrific days I have under my belt, and know that where I am at now is better than I have ever been.   Live, love, and laugh... Sober. 

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Categories: Cocaine, Marijuana, Other Drugs, Oxy, Prescription Drugs, Recovery, Rehab


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