Addicted to alcohol and cocaine
"I feel hopeful and am full of gratitude to be alive and clear headed and I have tears of happiness instead of sadness."
I'm a 30yr old female that is addicted to alcohol and cocaine. I had my first drink when I was 14. That sip made me feel confident, beautiful and powerful. At that moment I knew alcohol was going to be in my life for a long time. I was a very very shy girl growing up. I had major social anxiety and thought I was a mute, and not attractive and not smart. My mother and certain family members reiterated that growing up as well so I always was a loner and uncomfortable. I was betrayed by many girls in school cause they thought I was ugly or not cool enough for them. Drinking gave me that courage and confidence until it nearly killed me.
Highschool I experienced the black outs and drinking during class and sports and I experimented with pot. I would do anything to get out of myself. Once I graduated I went away to college and was on academic probation on and off through out college. I had many black outs and was kicked out of bars and many bad drunken nights with my ex bf. There was a point where I was so hungover and puking and couldnt move that I thought I should go to church to help me with the problem I knew I had. But once my hangover was gone, I did it again and experimented with pot and shrooms in college.
After graduating college I broke up with my ex, became really depressed and then cocaine was introduced into my life. BOY did my life change for the worst! I would be on 5 day benders having orgys that I would never do sober, became dead broke and got evicted from one apartment and couldn't make rent for another one. I had a toxic relationship with a new ex who was a coke addict and we just fed off each other and it was a total mess. I tried jumping off his balcony once cause I was so depressed and lost. Thoughts of suicide was daily. He kicked me out and I was even homeless and bouncing around to friends places to crash. I called the suicide hotline and called a half way house asking for help but couldn't seem to find it so I cried and prayed and went to AA meetings. As soon as I got a job and moved from my environment I immediately looked for AA meetings in my new area. I completed a 90n90, got a sponsor and still try to go every day and have been sober since.
I feel that I belong now. My life has meaning and purpose. And God loves me which I didnt think he did at one point. I feel hopeful and am full of gratitude to be alive and clear headed and I have tears of happiness instead of sadness. Addiction is serious and takes many lives but fighting it by helping eachother is what makes you better! We are all Gods children and need to help one another and my sharing my story I hope I am helping someone. My suffering has brought me awareness and wisdom to share for the next suffering.
God, AA and you guys have helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for letting me share!